1999年袁资友练笔DLG-ysjv

Traveling on, I whisper to myself. It’s like a new book and a new day, offering me fresh feelings and thoughts. Not only do I enjoy it deeply, but I also cherish every minute. Though spring can’t belong to anyone forever, I believe that if I love it, nurture it, and make full use of its dew, it will benefit me and draw near.

It is better than anything, especially in its pure form. It stands far from money, power, and worldly honors. It exists in your sky of thought, in your field of mind. It surrounds us when we embrace it and seek its spirit.

I used to be foolish, but I no longer think so. I was foolish because I didn’t know how to express myself. Before, I missed so many days. After staying together for a year and a half, I’m determined to carry it through my life.

It appears in my life; I’ll keep it as my only belief. I’ll be faithful to my seeking. I know everyone has limited energy and time—life. For me, I must cherish the other half of my life. I can only devote myself to a few things: profession and love, of course referring to you. (Effort can’t be replaced with "including.")

What is it? It’s unnecessary to define it clearly if you know what it is. I’d love to live with it all my life!

You know, before this page, you saw me writing, but now it has been torn into pieces. Daphne, when it was finished, I told myself not to be so bookish that no one would respond. This is an attempt—a non-restorable try. But when I sit here, I can’t help moving my pen, you know.

I was, am, and will be changed by what my love inspires. I want nothing but your sweet heart. I want you to give me nothing but your sweet heart, you know. Coming here is easy; parting from here is not. That’s why these years, months, and days are lovely, sweet, and clear. You know.

There is a free world of love, and we are in it. I find it more beautiful every day.

If God knows me this much, He will take steps to help me, you know.

I know I must stick to the long way ahead. We must learn to control ourselves. I know there is something precious because there are many eyes around us. Any error may destroy everything we have.

I know you are a nice girl with a pure and just heart. You can’t easily take a wrong step on the path of love. Through all these years, you’ve lived happily and peacefully, free from worries. Maintaining this isn’t easy. In fact, you have a family that everyone admires, with a husband who works hard. I should support him.

I know, thanks to God for giving us a chance to work together. Otherwise, the noble emotion of understanding each other would only be buried in the deep dark sea.

I know this will take up some time and energy, but if my writing can bring you special happiness and fill some gaps in life...

**Moreh6**

**Always Had**

Indeed, I always have you in mind. I don’t know whether you’ve known this. The more it is like this, the more I need to control myself. For example, when you visited my house, I wanted to sit beside you and talk happily, but sometimes I had to pretend to do my work, even without saying goodbye when you left. It was all because I wanted to keep the relationship longer and not reveal any special details to others. I want to visit you anytime, but I force myself to let my wife first suggest visiting. Not seeing you for a day causes me great suffering. So if you don’t express anything, it pains me and feels unfair to a lover—if I may call myself that. I long to stay with you as much as possible. Generally, visits can only happen in the office, but there we can’t freely exchange views. I suggest that in the future, if conditions allow, I’ll make a secret sign to invite you to meet me. If you disagree, tell me from your heart whether you decide to make room for another gentleman besides me. From the beginning until now, I only love you. Of course, if you refuse, I can’t change the course. I really don’t expect the result where the jar is broken and thrown away.

After you went home, I went upstairs alone to finish this letter. Maybe I drank too much. But recently, I dreamed of you, and we fell in love in the dream for months. After this letter, I wanted to write in Chinese. What do you think? The space on every page is left for you.

"And may you be happy on your International Day!"

**春雨 1999.3.8**

干涸的土地，尘封已久；渴望一场春雨的滋润。许多欲萌的芽，偷偷钻出土来，却被烈日无情地炙烤压制。在山岩石缝中，一株爱情草固执地向天空疯长；这草不必用花装饰，连它自己也不知道秋后能否结籽。

没有雷声，没有云翻滚，一阵微风吹来，便落下如油般金贵的雨。渴死的无名草在春雨中仍无力回天，只有崖缝中的那株爱情草，默默吮吸着这如乳的甘汁，在风中起舞，在雨中伫立。

爱情草为一个远方的梦而生，为一个远方的梦而死。这梦如雾中看花，忽远忽近；梦虽未圆，却在梦中频见，梦中的人是理想的人。人知梦非实。

春雨的步伐悄无声息，不似夏天的风暴那般声势大作，时而翻江倒海，时而吐云吞雾，让人猝不及防，没有回味。

春雨，是你发自内心的一脉微笑！

**Some explanation about what you called "at the same time"**

The original detail is like this:

The first period: she attempted to approach me. At the very beginning, she said her son wanted to play computer games and visited my house. When she visited the second time, she told me I was famous in our county, and she had thought I was very old, but she was wrong. I’d heard such words many times and didn’t take them to heart. Later, she shared her thoughts on my writings, and some remarks were profound. At this time, I didn’t think much because I didn’t know her well, and you and I were working together happily. A month later, she wrote to me, saying it was lucky to meet a writer like me and repeating what she had told me. Such letters came often, and I still set them aside.

The summer vacation arrived (the year before last), and her husband went to Wuhan for advanced studies. One day, I received a phone call from her hometown. She called me "Brother Yuan," and I couldn’t recognize her voice. I never thought she would ring me or address me like that, nor did I expect she knew my number. On the phone, she strongly asked me to meet her, saying she had something important to tell me. I decided to meet her at Rotl Qancerall that night. She told me she was eager to see me and had come back in the early afternoon.

When she arrived, she dared not go to school or have supper. At twenty past midnight, we came back. She insisted I stay the night, but I thought of you and felt it was too risky. I fled her house, leaving her behind crying my name. Maybe I hurt her, but now I feel my choice was right. I didn’t disappoint or turn against you!

The second period: she hated me and envied you. After that, she began to say you were my "Younger Sister Yang." She kept writing to me, saying you were my shadow—wherever I was, you would be seen. Every morning, she opened her window to watch us talking outside the classroom. She envied us. I explained to her that you and I were pure and had nothing to criticize, but she more and more thought I was on your side. In fact, I was on your side. Once, at her home during an evening course, I asked her to take back her words, but she refused.

It so happened that you invited me to Xiangfan to exchange an electronic piano. She seemed to think she had evidence and began to laugh at me, declaring her words were true and willing to expose us.

I could not explain even if I had a hundred mouths. I again asked her to retract what she said and not to hurt my hometown friends, but she never listened. So I spat on her and shut her door heavily. I became a woman’s enemy to protect another woman.

The third period: fight to the end. Since then, I decided not to speak to her anymore, and I did so. She wrote saying that in the whole school, everyone knew there were two couples in our Songhin group: Yang and Yuan, Zhang and Tao. She tried every step to force me into her trap, but I wasn’t weak. I began to fight back. I wrote to declare that, as far as I knew, she, Chen somebody, was not a good person. When she was a student at Tuokou Teacher’s School, she fell in love with her teacher. When he refused, she had a relationship with a classmate named Qiminghe. After she started working, the secretary of Dangpu Education Management Committee had special night stays with her, and finally, she passed a "broken shoe" to her nowadays husband. After marriage, why do so many people—old or young—like to visit her house? I’m afraid they are people who crave more than just wine. I also told her that if people like architect Zhangchenyong inviting her as a secretary made her heart flutter, she must be a money lover. I asked her why Wuxuanming visited her so many times and why he was always there when I visited. This letter made her angry and ashamed. She phoned me to talk, but I refused and wouldn’t pick up the phone. When my wife answered, she was silent. My wife asked who it was, and I told her it was her. To protect you, I distanced myself from her. I told my wife that she spoke ill of Yang just because she had a bad heart, and you and I were pure. Not only were we indeed pure, but we also considered all sides of brothers, classmates, and hometown folks. That day, I asked my wife to visit her and pretend to know nothing, saying her husband seemed to have heart trouble, which might not be related to Yang. Zhou stayed at home every day, so it might not be jealousy. She told my wife that sometimes the phone rang for no reason, which was annoying. You can see now that to protect you, I did what I should. I tried my best, and now she can no longer stand tall before me. It’s wrong to say such things about human rights. To a true friend, I have to open my mind.

You still reward me with nothing. I feel pity for what I’ve tried. Can you tell me what you need me to say? Of course, I know I should be careful with my behavior. Do you think I’m faithful as a friend? I’m not only faithful but also honest and frank. I can’t bury too much in my mind alone. I need a different-sex friend to help and share.

I’m supposed to hear that she is a shameless woman, but I still can’t completely believe it. Personally, she is soft and beautiful and can attract men. Despite all her advantages, I never hated or envied her. I always speak kindly of her to others—she is a good wife, mother, and lover, even if she becomes a lover to another man. Caoalugy objects to my view of her. From what you’ve written, I learn why she didn’t look at me rightly or speak to me when she saw me. There’s no doubt that you indeed loved her very much at that time. Through my woman’s intuition, I felt you were not in a peaceful state. You were afraid she saw you and me together, and you were also afraid I saw you with her. I often saw you together, but I never said anything bad. I think, after all, she is ahead of me in many ways, so it’s natural for you to be with her or like her. I only felt idle without a male friend. Then we often had meals with four families, but later I found it meaningless, and sooner or later, problems would arise. Although I didn’t join your group, your wife and she hated me and tried to make you break away from me. At that point, I hated her. I didn’t know what part she played, but you were protecting me because I hadn’t hurt anyone.

I invited you to exchange the electric piano in Xiangfan because you understood its quality. I had no ulterior motive, but anyhow, the trip affected us. Even secretary Liu doubted us.

Through the days, you’ve helped me with my piano and the quality of English exam papers. Even before, you gave me much help. I’m very thankful, but I don’t know what to do. You’ve written too much, and I, too, don’t know how to answer. This morning, when you invited me somewhere, I felt frightened. I don’t know how much you want me to be your different-sex friend or if I’ve given you nothing. I’ve never turned against you, and I feel very sorry. You can do many things well, but I have no chance to help you.

Now sometimes my husband starts to notice me. He often looks into my eyes. I believe if he is unfaithful, I can see it in his eyes. He likes to ask where I went at night. So if I go somewhere, it will be dangerous.

From all this, it seems I should draw a conclusion: what I think, seek, and say shows I’m unworldly. It seems I believe in myself too much, even though you don’t believe in me. Suddenly, I feel I’m in a Tang rhyme scene—"falling flowers flow away empty, mountains and waters stretch far." It’s a pity a real heart will be deeply pitied by no one. I want a spirit friend to share my bitterness or happiness, to say they love me and care about my thoughts, but you won’t say yes. Maybe you’re too careful and closed to come near me. I don’t know what to do either. I can only live by the support of Zhen BainQiao’s "难得糊涂" (Hard to Be Confused).

What you’ve said is a great shock to me, but I can’t do anything about it for once. In fact, I care very much about what you think and say. Your words and expression upset me. Even at night, I can’t sleep. How hard I think! I won’t live like this. I won’t let the relationship between us remain unhealthy. How difficult it is to be a spirit friend, and how inedible it is to be another kind of friend. How I wish to be an ordinary friend.

It stopped raining outside, but my sky turns cloudy. The bird, as the song sings, flies high in the sky and never likes to perch in my tree. I sing many songs, sing and sing. The bird sings its song, flies and flies. The distance between us remains the same.

I am a tree. I can’t fly like the bird, so I stay and stay. I’ll take time to think about the songs and keep my mouth shut for a while. I got up this morning, thinking: should I be too hard on a friend sometimes?

Man should be an ocean—stretching wide to provide her a warm, comfortable, and safe home.

Man should be a mountain—standing with a high and wide view, showing her simple and firm understanding of everything, devoting beautiful scenery for her to enjoy. So I’m not a true man. I try to be one. I’ll try my best to give without asking for this and that.

As a man, I’m so shallow that I can hold only a small stream or brook—her smile, her sobs, and her songs. I have to give in to you to change myself into a standard one. If only you would like to exchange views, I’d be delighted.

However, behavior isn’t important. It’s nice to feel comfortable, which can avoid inner burdens.

I wish the following days to be clear and cheerful!

Changing the hair pattern changes a soul state.

I’d like to hear what kind of person you think I am.

You belong to the type of inner character—you seldom talk to others or accept advice, but that doesn’t mean you don’t like others. You are a sensitive and very careful person in many ways. There’s no doubt you’re clever because you can learn much that others can’t.

You aren’t good at communicating with males unless you have much in common with them. You like women very much. Sometimes when you get along well with them, they may misinterpret your meaning.

Thank you. Yes, thank you very much.

**一些思考**

春宵犹贵值千金，时光无形移。又有一句话，联想到一些事，自惭形秽，又有一些观点。

汪国真说："一个善于欣赏别人的人，必然是一个丰富的人；一个被别人欣赏的人，必然是一个出色的人。"同时，他还告诫："欣赏并不一定想或能得到，得到了反失其完整之美。"我欣赏心中满意的事物，情不自禁，言不由衷。但自从被认为是"微不足道"之后，我顿感一种沉重的压力与悲哀；这和早期把跳舞看作是"不正经"同出一辙。我的幻觉是：一只狗想表达对主人的亲近，却不被领情，反遭当头一棒！You are so noble that it seems I am a tiring dog.

汪国真还说过一句话："喜不与人言。"意思是说，一切尽在无言，若是心有灵犀，何需用语言表达？

弯月如钩，若我想倾诉，你又如何知晓？

**心絮小语**

1. 有人愿像溪流般生活，有人像江河，还有人像海洋。表面看，都是生命的形态；实质上，内涵大相径庭。

2. 珍珠和玻璃球在阳光下都能发光。珍珠只为悦己者而灿烂；玻璃球的光彩，人人可以采撷。

3. 对没有把握和不属于自己的东西，最好别抱什么希望，否则会失望长久。

4. 肤浅的人总把感情挂在嘴上；深厚的人把它放在心中。

5. 大凡还掺杂着夫妻关系的爱情，定是苦多于乐，但那滋味却很浓厚。

6. 年轻人的爱情是按教科书的模式憧憬；已婚者的感情，则有着全方位的体验。

7. 如果上帝给你机会你不要，给你爱情你也不要，那么它将给你痛苦和惩罚。

8. 生痛苦和怨恨的人最需要理解和安慰；有涵养的人最能给予朋友这些。

9. 健康胜过富有。

10. 黑夜最愿给幻想者或烦恼人提供免费空间，失眠者最怕接受黑夜的馈赠。

1999.3.23

Have you noticed that these days my inner emotion has changed much? Why? All because after that evening’s dinner—they were having their meal when I left without eating. It was five past five when I arrived, and after waiting, I went upstairs to find you without success. When I went back home, it was exactly eight thirty. I was sad. The next day, I went to Shihua to discuss an agreement but failed, so I felt even sadder for days. Last night, you visited, and it lifted my spirits a little. Today, I’m feeling better. Please remember me when you’re away.

I know I seem narrow-hearted. Though I tried to control myself, I couldn’t. That very night, my wife noticed my low spirits and asked what happened. I just went to sleep.

You know, my smile or sadness is given by you, my dear. I have to yield before my fate.

March 26

49. What would you like to offer me? A. milk B. money C. men D. burden E. dream F. voice of song G. love H. all you could I. none.

50. How important are these things? Sort them in order of your view: 1. ideal 2. basic materials 3. love 4. health 5. money

Is it 4,1,3,2,5 or 4,2,3,1,5?

The above was written before the holiday: what you told me the first afternoon you saw me made me very happy and moved because you showed such great concern for me. Thank you and a kiss!

I rang you to invite you to wait at my house, but I made a mistake. Someone walked on the way to the office building, and I thought it was you, so I hurried. I saw you in the office building.

51. I’m not quite sure about what you said "too far": A. foolish love B. exchange minds C. good friends with some shallow touch or kiss D. love with a sexual relationship E. all the above F. love with families broken

Did you know? No. Nobody does in fact.

76. You said "stop", which always makes me sad, lose confidence, lose hope, lose words and spirits, lose appetite, and hurt me deeply in the heart. Would you care for my soul state?

77. You made me so happy. Is it easy for you to comfort someone like me? One of these things can cure me: your sweet smile, words, or visit. Would you be so kind as to provide these?

After reading your "stop", my heart sank to the lowest this week, but yesterday evening your visit revived me like a dying creature. The long meeting gave us a chance to dance, but your husband and daughter found an "extra" person, making you upset, so I gave up. Today, I went to Shihua and aren’t sure if I’ll be back tonight. These days, I feel so constrained. I want to be in nature, shouting without restraint or wandering with you in a relaxed environment. My husband said I really have gaps, but I know we’ve built a good wife for many years. This time he was weak, but we thank God for the situation. I’ve done what I can to make him better, and he felt very happy. I seldom care for him; a little care satisfies him. I feel sorry that I’m not a good wife, even a good mother. What am I? Nothing. Am I a good woman? No.

Sometimes you misunderstand me about visits. Half because I want to see you, half because I like to drop by. I get along well with your wife and like to chat with her. It seems to others that we’re too natural about everything with each other. Now we do so, and we will forever. I can’t stop the dangerous relation, but I won’t stop the friendship between us. I like to listen to your thoughts on life, sadness, love, pleasure, and dissatisfaction.

I’d rather you tell me "I’m not convenient, have visitors, or don’t feel well" (excuses) than hear "stop". If I’m sad or disappointed, a smile or visit can save me.

I’m a failure—physically and spiritually, but in fact, I’m very frail and weak. You understand me most, don’t you? We’ve never been ordinary friends, and we talk...

Since my wife said your husband wasn’t happy about our coming to play cards, I suggest that in the future, you only do so on weekends. Despite all those things, I’m satisfied with you these days. In recent years, though I praised myself little and did little, I’ve changed much in views about private affairs. For example, you can’t betray someone, but you can create a secret world. A personal world doesn’t mean dishonesty or impoliteness; it doesn’t hurt anyone. His unhappiness may be connected with his official position without greatly improving. If we could be in another condition to relax, it would certainly make you satisfy your human life. Closing yourself at home every day, do you feel tired?

If I’m tired, I go to bed. On the other hand, I always have many things to do at home if I want. I’m quite different from you. I’m a housewife, while you are bright. I don’t know what kind of relation you refer to. Do you refer to the moral side? But there will be many ways to fix us. If I go upstairs this morning, won’t you welcome me? Next time, I’ll be glad. Don’t you fear?

The computer tells me I will fall in love this year, and it still says the flower can be appreciated but not picked. How do you comment on this? The Theory of Grass sounds like an excellent remark, as the premier answers reporters. It should have been a convincing day for us to go, but I’m sorry to feel not too well in the stomach. Will the ss continue their experiment this Wednesday? No. Not only am I physically sick, but also philosophically. I’m falling into a sickness of longing. Thanks to God, you removed the course tomorrow evening. I’ll wait at the cinema gate till you appear, shall I? This afternoon, you can go upstairs around 3 o’clock. Let’s do some talking. This invitation comes to me completely. Thank you very very much. More than an hour’s talk will delight me for a long time. Do you recognize that a little thing from you affects me greatly? That’s your internal endless force. What’s your feeling?

I want to keep my feelings so they won’t become light. How I longed for an adventure while wandering for some CD-like things in Xiangfan alone on Sunday. One day’s leave makes you...

A. unload the burden of heart pressure

B. think of the last trip and imagine the scene if being able to accompany

I agree with you by my senses. Child? I can’t help my heart breaking into pieces. On Monday, I was in low spirits (maybe) for no reason. Before you handed me your note, I lay my head on the desk, tearing up for no reason.

I agree to it, though it struck me as death. Before I read it, I got nervous. From the sixth sense, I felt sadness near. So I wrote on a piece of paper:

I am sad. I am mad. I am dead.

I am dead because my life became empty, with nothing to depend on for the future.

But I can’t be too selfish for myself! I’ll be burdened alone since you’re no longer willing to share my sufferings.

Nothing can be decided by myself. All I can do is be dead or a mummy in the world. (May 4.)

It isn’t hard for me to construct a pillar of my spirit, but now it melts into thin air with SY’s withdrawal. What a pity SY leaves when I most need help. I’d rather keep this in myself: if I say "see you," I can’t help weeping, like the song singing: "There is a lot of suffering in human life. There will be nothing serious if another suffering comes." If SY doesn’t care for me first, I dare not demand more. I’m not sure whether there will be such a day:

**Monday, May 5**

Today, when I looked through the above sentences, they seem nonsensical.

Thursday morning, Chinese festival "Summer Begins." Many years ago, on the same festival, I separated from my first girlfriend. Today (May 7, 1999), I promised to renew the relationship between BY and SY. We’ll be real friends without any unhealthy effects. Though it means something unpleasant, I had to agree. I’ll save all the love and happiness in my deep private mind. Thanks to you and thanks to the founder of living things.

That was the last interview as lovers. It will be remembered in the spirit history.

May 10th. Several days are gone. Your smile is still brilliant. The upset hours are calming. Though the relation has changed, the feeling still exists. So there’s something truly valuable between SY and BY. That’s fine. It may be better than something said orally. May it last forever.

5. I was angry and couldn’t bear what was said at the candy table last night. She seemed less friendly with us than before. So I suggest, as punishment to you: 1. You are forbidden to ask me to tour for shopping or wandering around. 2. For ten days or more, you won’t visit my house, leaving me lonely. 3. I feel you see me too often, and I’ll keep a distance for her. 4. Don’t ask me to play cards with you or call. If there’s something to talk about, we’ll do it at the office, on the phone, or in the hall. I’m tired of her way of speaking or treating people. What do you think of my suggestion?

(May 20) I went upstairs, finding the protective door locked. When I was in the office, I heard Ms. Lin would give a public lesson, so I rang you, but no one answered. Where were you? Would you like to dance that evening at the cinema?

86. (May 21) Friday, it rained, and I ached too. This is a suffering. I take great efforts to hurl it back, but it occupies my mind, and I’m afraid of being captured, with no way out. It makes me unconfident. God save me, save me.

(May 25) Days passed slowly and quietly. I live in a helpless and restless state. This noon, I guessed your wife was not home, so you went back early, and before the class began, your light was on. You said your guests... (May 27) In fact, I was wrong. Your husband was in, and the light was on because of guests from your old family.

Saying "good-bye," seeing your tears flow, my heart was breaking. SY, my most respected and beloved woman. You declared that the clear lip mark means my heart is aimed in your direction. That’s not true. I don’t mind my worrying about other bodies except you. At the same time, I know the opportunity of love won’t return to me. That’s my lifelong loss. I hate myself and the mark. I had thought of a further relation, but now it faded. Maybe that’s a luxurious aim, so when it couldn’t come true, I was lost and felt a lack of close relation. In fact, I want to keep my love single. I’m sorry you can’t see this point. It made me have nothing to say, and I suffered again with your sadness. I have to close this diary of emotion imagination and open another window of friendship with you. Again, thank you; again, beg your pardon.

(May 2, 1999)

May 28, 1999. The summer begins to get hot, while my feeling falls into freezing. The lip mark caused me to part with SY’s love, so I called to tell the woman her mark caused me great trouble and suffering, so I’ve determined to part from her because she made me lose everything I seek. Though I was treated unjustly, I had no way to argue. I can do nothing but see SY punish BY all the way.

It’s easy to say and hard to face. It means two things: first, I must change myself for my love. My sense tells me I must obey SY; in fact, I was and am a faithful fellow and can’t easily move from SY. Second, it’s not easy to find a lady as excellent as SY because I demand my love with high standards—for example, "she" must be lovely, honest, able to make me happy when together, know me, and have much in common. In terms of sex, must be suitable; in character, must have high spiritual content; must be convenient; can encourage me to work hard. I don’t mean to have a female friend merely for that. I want an ideal one, maybe not existing in the globe.

(June 3) Looking back at myself, I found something in me getting lighter: family, honor, love... What have I had? None. So I have no right to ask others to give me more. Meanwhile, I notice that SY still pays enough attention to and takes care of me. Talking is enough for a man like me. I needn’t SY write back because I’m afraid anything written will break the present feeling and state. You’re right—we can only say this; more might be dangerous and harm our mental health. (In fact, we never forget each other; we remember each other any time, whether we admit it or not.)

(June 4) There are many things I can only imagine. For example, if I go upstairs, how nervous I am, and what’s your attitude? So am I. Do you know what charms me or what SY thinks is beautiful in herself? Perhaps it’s my sitting beside BY or my kindness. I wait to have a talk after lunch. I wish it isn’t too hard: would you?

(June 6) I used a word "root" to weigh myself in SY, which again killed my confidence. The song says, "I can hold back my tears, but I can’t prevent myself from feeling sad." That was yesterday’s BY. I noticed you must have been shocked when you listened. Sorry to say what’s described isn’t who I am.

Don’t be angry with me, for I’m sometimes mentally disturbed. Maybe you’ve found it’s too hard to get along with BY, but sometimes I sound unreasonable. (This is my idea when at peace.) It would be all because I control myself too much. For example, that "last interview" was a chance: I could have approached you, but thinking it wasn’t your will and not your safe period, I didn’t hurt you. I’m very kind, and in many cases, I often think of your interests before mine. When I’m injured, I first think: if this happens, how hard SY will face the future. All this makes me nervous, hesitant, and not a true man. You’ve given me friendship, love, and happiness; meanwhile, I’ve learned what friendship and longing are. Now I want to learn how to relax and live easily.